VIDEO | Bulletproof Staff

null | Relationship Hacks For Dealing With Conflicts, Monogamy, Sex & Communication With The Opposite Sex – Neil Strauss

00:00:00 > [Music] bulletproof radio a stage of high performance next up is your chance to be part of a live studio audience for an episode of bulletproof radio now from an audio engineering perspective I have to say this because I have this microphone you're listening to bulletproof radio with Dave Asprey in today's cool fact of the day is that this episode doesn't have a cool fact of the day normally when I record it's one-on-one in a quiet studio and quite often there's somewhere else we're doing it over Skype and you wouldn't imagine this but I'm staring at a camera behind the camera is a big-screen TV and their faces right

00:01:01 > behind the camera so I try to make eye contact and I'm guessing most of you listen but don't watch right I'm going to watch the videos you guys are real fans all right and there has to be a listen right it's because you drive and things like that so the problem is I don't get to interact with an audience when I do that and when I speak like I am now I'm actually paying a lot of attention to what's going on with you guys so there's visual cues except I don't really get many of them because there's a really bright light in my eyes because see that like they're like so I'm actually just pick up the energy in the room and this is something that you can do if you practice heart rate variability meditation the way I've recommitted for a lot of people and it's actually something that if you do the neurofeedback stuff you can tell what's going on what I haven't yet mastered is the art of humor so your job as part of the live studio audience is to laugh at my bad jokes even if

00:02:03 > they're bad just give me some love all right with with no further ado I believe we've got neil strauss back here and you are you you back here come on up [Applause] I'm I'm really happy that you could make it because I'm I'm a fan I mean you've your first I don't who's your first book with wonder your first books emergency inspired me to know Santa Monica in a way that I didn't know that's awesome I know I know we're going with it I read emergency rooms like this guy has gone through this Odyssey of of just learning about things that frankly made you afraid yes which was really cool and and one of the things you did is you said well I decided that I would do urban escape and survival training where they handcuff you and teach you to pick

00:03:05 > locks and escape from trunks and get kidnapped and I mean what sane person wouldn't want to do that right that's not what my friends told me yeah so I said I have to go do this and I signed up for the training and it was in Santa Monica so I spent a day actually was three days and I spend one day having been footed handcuffed escaping from a van and did a border waterboarding KVUE was that part of that that's part of it it's not a joke actually it gives you that it was an option I declined oh really yeah oh man we're disappointed like I'm not going to take the upgrade here hahaha because you respond differently under stress the idea is I thought it was stressful enough without the waterboarding attitude and I don't have a problem being handcuffed and hooded that's actually part number mine that's for another interview but I found it really stressful to be like hunted by bounty hunters even though I'm like in Santa Monica and and one of the

00:04:09 > highlights of this experience was I'd hidden a little costume so I put on like this red beanie and a fake ponytail and and like dorky glasses and I carried a cigarette and I walked down the outdoor mall in Santa Monica were known to ever do that like I'm jonesing and I'm like and people would make this wide circle around me because like that guys seriously needs like a needle in his arm and this little girl walks I think was high and like Kemet you can see right through me like she's not judging me and then I walked past three of the bounty hunters and they totally can't see me I'm like I'm invisible it's awesome yeah just this course by the way is it's amazing because you learned so much there's other layers to the world we're living in the idea of being the invisible man or woman which is you know if you walk around maybe with it we would go around and say construction helmet clipboard look like you're working people just ignore you or looking like a junkie and there's all these different strata of the world and when Dave was talking about how he hid his costume what that means is the night

00:05:10 > before you go and create a cache which is you'll hide your stuff somewhere out in the world where no one will take it but in a public area when you go to hide your cache you find other caches of homeless people and attics and other people who've hidden their stuff within the city so they're all these layers of reality that we're walking past and not seeing it's fascinating and the reason why we did is not just it's fun it's easy to feel like it is fun okay that's why you did it but I also did it because it's also facing your fears but also like we're living in a very scary political time is that safe to say fuck yeah right you know my dad's lived through World War two the Cold War all that he's like now is the scariest time and in history and you got two choices which is like you can be a victim and be in fear or you can say well I can be as self-sufficient as I can and learn everything I can and feel a little bit like you have some options and control and you can you can seek to under and and build a skill set so that you

00:06:13 > know unless you're at ground zero you can take care of yourself and take care your family and take care of your loved ones that wasn't an Iowan there's that would be fun exactly no and it's fun and it's fun because there's there's two different kinds of survivals and then I know we're not this is probably not the main point I talk a lot there's there's like survival is not a fear which is going to live off the grid and build a bunker and you know and stock up but then you've missed living out in the world there was another kind and I always ask myself like can it still add to my life learning to do these things our additives and not for treating well pushing your boundaries like that is really important and it actually it felt really odd like kind of a bit of like loneliness like like they're out to get me sort of stuff reminded me some sort of like high school and and it was it was really triggered a lot of stuff which is cool that's what I wanted it to do and I do other things like fast in a cave all by myself in the desert for four days both up it's a hunger and loneliness looks like pair those up and double down and things like that to see what you're made

00:07:14 > let me ask you a question what's your biggest fear right now that you would want us that you don't want to face like what someone would really take you outside your comfort zone and ever you got contiguous for yourself too this is going to sound really egotistical but in significance right now I hacked that shit like I do not if I find it here I go in with neurofeedback and I erase it like it's a core part of what I do so if I dig really deep like core fears I'm like I'm you're cool you like live off the Rita's and soda for like a month I used to have a serious very did I do that I just spend two days removing that fear right one of my biggest fears was actually like going back to being like unable to control my energy right and now I'm like it happens it happens like like I'm not going to die or maybe I'll die whatever but like even that I don't by the no fear sake like yeah I wish it would you shoot up heroin what if it was pharmaceutical grade one three times what a beautiful news needle from somebody outside I would choose not to

00:08:16 > do it would I choose out of fear it would have like a visceral thing like I literally seek them out create the worst case possible and then change my mental state to associate the positive state with that until I met a level thing like being on reactive there has allowed me to be grounded and present at times when I would have been like frankly beating the crap out of someone earlier my life or would you drive on the freeway like the 101 blindfolded and just trust your intuition hey there's no bigger of this thing is there's no absolutes and you say we're not afraid or we're always happy you know what I mean there's what fears in emotion and then just doing stupid shit it's not an emotion that's are some people there's some people get there some people could do that I would I would love to learn how to do that but I probably won't but it's so like I said it all sound little crazier istic alors like I'm just denying fear and what it is I sought it out and I use technology to make sure that it wasn't part of the voice in my head because I found the voice mad was really annoying okay that's that's er no are you listening in

00:09:17 > to to the voice in my head yes knowing as shit so so every boyfriend is telling you right now dude you got a lot of to cheap to face and you know we but we get like it's just it's just interesting or even like think about what uh somebody is you know would you really go go to war right now and you know insight for you know there's a lot of things and again I'll let go of it sure but I just don't buy that there's nut you know what I mean I just don't buy it I would like to find anything that you could measure as triggering like the visceral response fear because you can measure fear you can do the eg if I find any of those things I'm like it's like whack-a-mole that crab and it's not suppressing it it's racing it and I'm not proposing that this is what normal people do at all I'm just saying that identifying the fears that I found from this which was five six years ago that I've gone through and actually I'm not going to say it then I'll let it go but this is my dick by the way this is what I do like this is what I do in all my books in everything I just drill in and you find out what's there but the question is like what are you afraid or maybe

00:10:19 > fear is the wrong word right what do you not want to do that other people are doing just fine and you can look at that in life and say where is that and where is that interesting I can tell you that there's where I failed miserably if I was my executive admin I would fire me in like five seconds and one of the things that I will not do and I choose very careful images I don't want to waste energy like I want the energy that I put into the world to provide the maximum return but it's a choice and I still do dishes sometimes which isn't a maximum return it just makes me mad right so you get mats they're like wasting your time doing some you just get total waste of time would be challenging for you yeah absolutely and it's it's not other things I dislike or that I don't dislike or whatever it's just that I used to have like a very visceral like response that was that took energy that put me in a sympathetic dominant sort of thing and now I find that the things that put me in a sympathetic dominant like fight-or-flight mode that they're usually physical things but it's not like a story that I told myself because I think I've unwound the vast majority of the stories the ones that are there

00:11:20 > are small and haven't found them yet whatever they might be so I let it go I could go I could do this with a whole hour but not so much just to talk about I'm just going to dig in two days so one of my fears is being naked no just kidding having to get over that right it's a few people fear here is maybe seeing you naked you shows do me 20 years ago so yeah now then comes your next book the game and this was the book we're pretty much like everyone said that you were a bad man did I say that approximately right sure right and then recently you came out when and and the game was about this is a pickup artists community and this idea that you can sort of programmatically test what works to pick up women and I actually have a friend who really got into this about 10 plus years ago a guy who's not particularly attractive and holy crap how could he do that he could like walk into any bar like snap his fingers and there's like five hot women like feeding

00:12:23 > him cocktail nuts I had that were like like this guy's a magician well after he was using some of the stuff that you read about and then you came out with your next book this is your most recent one that and that one was was actually like one where you you've dug really deep and get still flavor the toughest thing was to actually look at myself yeah right it was easy to like get Jona trunk tased and waterboarded to actually look like at what's going on in here and in here and what's wrong with them like the emergency that we talked about was like a year the game was two years this was maybe like five years that's this is the hardest shit and I just gotta say hats off because that was an admirable work and if you guys haven't read it and you've written seven air times bestsellers and I was confused their names this is what's the last the name of your most recent book make the truth the truth thank you I was like like no it's not the game and the other ones the truth so if you guys haven't read the truth it's absolutely

00:13:24 > worth reading because you said something in there that I want to talk with you about in our interview today we're learning how to start a relationship or maybe under false pretenses in in the game was something that you learned but you learned that you really didn't have the skills to be in a relationship and you just kind of laid it all bare so it was a an act of courage to write the book and to do the work that would lead to being able to write it but also just to share that so publicly so so kudos for that sure like a relationships are the most transformational space whether it's with a with your with your children with your parents with your loved ones because you can't control the other person it's the only place where were there where like shit I actually have to deal with this person as they are okay instead it's terrifying for most people you know and like and that's where like that's where the rub comes in if you want to know like we can do this with someone to make someone in the audience which is a like if you want to know what's really going on with something psychologically get them and their partner together and see where the rub

00:14:25 > is right then when you're brave enough to say like what's the biggest issue with her partner it's such a fun area okay we have a supplement for that it's called Stepford spouse thank you that's people that's what people's dream is but then you're just you know that's it's crazy that people want that that's where that fun is that's where the growth is is working that stuff together there's like like relationships there's these phases and relationships that are so helpful to learn once you understand them which is there's the projection phase right which is like I meet you and I have this space in my heart I think you're going to fill it and I put all these imaginary qualities on I'm not even I'm just stating this perdus fantasy and then what happens down the line is a the disillusionment phase where you're like oh wait you're not what I thought you were you're actually doing things they don't like or I don't approve of or I can't control and then people go around and say oh I'm disillusioned they're not who I thought they were like do you this was the day you met them this is the day the relationship actually starts and then most and then what happens is there's a power struggle phase where you

00:15:27 > try to get them in to be who you wanted them to be and they try to get you who they want you to be some couples never get out of that my parents are still in that and then then it then either you can resolve in a way where you both actually get to have a real relationship or you can be like a black called parallel relationships it's like I don't call it I've read it somewhere but it's two people in a relationship in the same roof but like living their own lives they just sort of are together anymore or conflict relationship I just find like it's so fascinating and every day with my wife like I love when we have conflict because because that's where the growth is what I'm getting well we're getting along but there's conflict the success of a relationship is and how quickly you can resolve your conflict right and really truly resolve it so if we're in conflict it's like all right let's see what's going on with us and we get to resolve and sometimes like in five minutes we'll be laughing hysterically and it's it's great the success is how quick how a shortening the time with which you recover slowly from a conflict that's where the success

00:16:29 > it is not in if you'd never have conflict I'm worried I'd be worried about you did you ever find yourself like poking at her to create conflict just for the joy um no but I find myself resisting the false thought that she is poking at me right because you're like if I resisting the false so let me think of a good example and I let's see if we take that example okay here's an example she calls now while we're in the backward just a minute ago and she's like oh can you stay home with the baby because I have to go what a good do this thing I'm like all about to go on stage and do it talk with Dave Asprey let's not hurt you so you said yes ma'am yes ma'am exactly and then and then my first thought was like you not even know that I'm speaking yes I have some support from my own wife but I'm like who the fuck cares right so you can get on this belief like you can you can just choose your thoughts and your beliefs and maybe that's an example of somebody thinking oh I could get in the lot and the false I can get in a lie that oh she doesn't support me she's not there for me she doesn't care that I'm

00:17:30 > speaking or I can be like oh I'm really cares right why she's not like uh working for me she doesn't have to like know my itinerary did I even tell her I don't know if I did right so so my question is so how you are here in relationships out of curiosity so about like what does that look like about third of the room how many people are like not sure if there's a relationship there kind of like if you have a few people right it's that weird thing or I'm just how do you are sitting with someone but you're not sure if your relationships didn't know whether is your friend over there crazy like a she's like that's a telling moment and he wears any people who like one person the couple raise the hand the other one did okay that's dip this is by the way this is why it's also fun is anyone here who's like never been in a relationship for more than a year did your hand up yeah it's so interesting right and so so those people should couple off they can be a great parallel relationship and I and because that's like so much

00:18:31 > programming is around the relationship stuff all that great attachment Theory stuff so that you guys would obviously be like you know super avoidant avoided attachment it's fascinating so if you I recommend for the people to raise your hand go get in one and see who you are see where your fears aren't I have a question for you guys how many of you wish that your significant other was here with you tonight and they wouldn't come oh good question so about like 10 12 hands up yeah and one of the things that I've noticed and I want to get your take on this nail okay in couples sometimes when one person starts on a path of self-improvement spiritual growth meditation yoga heroin okay maybe not that but whatever whatever light like I'm going to to do something and the other person resists and won't come along this seems like an really it can drive a wedge it's funny cuz I have a friend who's super near stuff and he was gone down this path and his wife doesn't go down this path and then he's always trying to get her like why do you eat in that stuff while you lie to the kid around

00:19:32 > those toxic toys you're poisoning our kid and like why you know and she and what happens is he the problem isn't that he's doing something she's not promised he thinks he's somehow doing something better than her and she has to get with the program and it ends up being both judgmental and belittling yeah the problem that you're doing different things problems just because you got into whatever way you got into it you expect your partner to get on board with it and then start to look down on them and judge them if they don't which makes them want to do it less because they're not doing it for them they're doing it for you there's a concept of the spiritual ego which is actually the hardest ego to crack and this is the one that says oh you know because I meditate I'm better than you because I'm so ego aware I'm better than human and I use this to sell a Prius once so I wrote an ad for Craigslist and I wrote a well and I'm I have this Prius and my psychic told me this is all true by the way hosts nominated for best of Craigslist like my psychic told me that

00:20:33 > walking is better for the environment than driving a Prius so because I love mother nature more than you I'm selling my Prius whose name is sunshine but that would be a craft example spiritually you go yeah it's amazing people can do something and not get the message that's one of the traps of self improving this stuff as you think because I'm doing this mmm thus I'm working on myself but a lot of people and that's the reason why I asked you that question about fears or the area we're not comfortable is a lot of people only dig in one area where they feel safe I know some people who are in a bubble and they really work hard on this one area when over there is where the real growth lies outside their comfort zone it's it's a good question the answer and I'm still kind of going through there and I'd say anyone who knows me really well if you know one of those things that I'd see like you got to tell me because I do these like worst case meditations that are truly awful to like explore like would it be like if I had no food forever and I only eat Doritos and all I've done those like with the electrodes and so I seek that out but I know more

00:21:37 > time it's wasting your time yeah I call that the whole worry thing though it's the stories you tell yourself and true and what I realize is that I have like this amazing power of self-deception and you tell yourself these stories and there's not based on reality like the one you told your your wife earth about you told her what you told yourself about your wife like she's calling me right now because she doesn't respect my time or whatever the story was but my wife doesn't respect my time either so it's all right there together not respecting sorry Lana if you're listening of course you do it's amazing like really like I would know but I really think like there's a goal if you like get couples and people together and make them realize that all your shit is you it's not the other person and say with everything mm-hmm the reason I asked about people who are here in wish your spouse was here just because you're you're bulletproof it doesn't actually make you better than anyone else actually it does yes it's just good but

00:22:39 > but the thing that happened to me when I first even long before bill truth became a thing in the the mid to late 90s when I lost a substantial amount of weight and I was like the biggest jerk ever excited did a lot of my emotional work and all that and I was like how dare you eat that like don't you know it's about steak right and all the sort of Atkins diet sort of things and you know just pissing everyone off because the bottom line is telling people all the stuff doesn't really do much unless they're interested all you are is annoying so like if you want to get what you want with someone judging them is the worst way to get a positive response from someone even even if you're right you said it so what I eventually arrived at is like I'm just going to lead by example and even in my relationship like I've been using nootropics for twenty years you know hard it was to get my wife to use nootropics good god she finally did but it wasn't because I shamed her into it or judged her into it it was like

00:23:40 > she's like you know maybe I should try this I'm like wow don't you get nine years awesomesauce right here's what you do if you want your partner to change first of all you let go of one and the change accept them as they are number one if you don't accept that they are like dude break up now real secondly is you just be awesome just be awesome like with me and my relationship I was doing all this work on myself and the truth and dealing with my family issues and my trauma and and all that stuff is like she was like at some point she's like what's going on with you like you used to get mad by this you're not even upset I'm like that's cool could you point to what's going on so as you start to just be awesome look look better feel better do better behave better feel think breathe better people like they want that they'll come to you you'll attract it but all you have to do is just be awesome and people want whatever you have you don't have to once you force it on them then it's totalitarianism right and if you don't answer this you don't have to but yeah did you come across times in your

00:24:41 > relationship where your wife is expecting a response from you that was typical and you overcame a trauma or you reached a new level of Awesome and the non reactivity either pissed her off or scared her yeah yeah yeah for sure for sure so there's a thing by the way which is really true especially if you're like a super dysfunctional relationship is some people want that response to feel wanted right they want you out to feel jealous to get upset whatever it is because that makes them sets their own issues and makes me feel wanted and but by not responding but still staying connected it's the most powerful thing so absolutely there were times when I was like so how did you handle that oh it's great it's so interesting I loved it I love the stuff I love this stuff and by the way no one here has called out their partner yet so I haven't forgotten that question not off the hook is a so she would I'll turn trying to diss happen so she would say the things and I would sort of logically just say hey wait so you're mad at me

00:25:44 > for doing this but you this just happened a matches happen so I'm not sure if that makes sense and then she'd still get more upset about you know what you're sending this in this but we discussed this in that earlier I don't know and then she was mad she stormed out ten minutes later comes back and this has happened all is like you know what I'm sorry I was really I was really out I was really wrong there because I realized if I by the way everyone has their own way there's that saying where there's reactivity there's a wound so something to think about in your own life is where do you react and react isn't always getting angry react to be shutting down react can be going into places of shame where you just feel less than others and like your pieces shit it could be getting depressed it could be getting a you know just verbally attacking someone whatever wherever you react that's where your wound is and so by me being nonreactive in that way she eventually but well we might go to my point was this when one does I knew as soon as I react I'd become wrong even if

00:26:46 > I'm right when I react that become wrong so if I just let that go it works out here's another thing is interested in relationship stuff because shuffle okay okay right cuz I don't know where we had talked about we're out here we've started with with hazing and waterboarding and now we're talk about love okay go together so what's this there's this idea that when one of wound of yours gets poked where where you haven't can't eat grown to a state of emotional adulthood you regress to adolescent or childish state right you guys understand that right that makes sense there's some definitely some big nods there's some people recognize that those who don't know what I'm talking about ask a partner okay if you're single if you're single you're doing that so you don't get poked okay so I mean if you're if you for the 510 people have never been in a relationship anyway what you know you can't reason with a child so when your partner is reactive you're not going to get a rational discussion out of it you have to wait till they step away and they come back to you as an adult or you come back to them as both

00:27:47 > being adults then you can have a discussion about it otherwise just know you're trying to reason with a child because that's where their wounds were from from mom or dad or what happened growing up there's a hack for that you ready for it let's do it all right so your partner goes into the reactive mode and they're stuck there it's just a couple words you say I have to go to the bathroom after lets you walk out of the room check Facebook for a while and then come back in because no one can deny the yep go to the bathroom if they did that would be a problem I shouldn't say this life alone is listening I'm a couple okay I'm sorry nature calls it and and so there's there's nothing bad about having to do that and then that gives them a chance to like and then their brain connection reset itself and I stole that hack directly from Daniel Eamon it's his very first book change your brain change your life he talks about how there's certain states that you can see on a brain scanner and it just it needs a chance to reset and that has actually

00:28:49 > been a really beneficial thing although I think last year after like 10 years Lana finally figured out that I do that and now when I say that she gets pissed but it's okay after a while they start to catch on right the other thing too is when someone your is ever like someone comes with a problem they're really kind of heated about it and then like you don't give the wrong answer you just say the wrong answer they get more upset and all that anger at that other thing gets taken out on you and I never experienced that one thing I realized it's like not everybody wants to be communicated with in the way you want to be and this is not like a five love languages saying this is separate which is I start to understand now I'll ask somebody what they want like I'll say do you want because there's one of four ways they want to be responded to one is okay do you want advice not ever want advice they just want to talk about their fucking problem they don't always want your great advice even if it's great some like you want advice you want me just to listen want me to go away or do you want some like physical affection some to have a problem they just want to be like hugged and patted and told it's

00:29:52 > okay the advice versus just listen thing seems to fall down some gender barriers most of the time right you know sometimes I feel like and I know that's a kind of John Gray thing but I also feel like we start to see a pattern and look for it I'm leg opposite I really want to talk it through and I've run the opposite and you've been working on your feminine side exactly that's it now and look at it's like we have so many false dualities in the culture like the idea of men are like this and women like that I just I just don't think a lot of that stuff is true and if it is a lot of it's just cultural it absolutely when you you look and say men are always as women are those ways that is clearly false and if you say there's a 60 or 70% skew on average but at least from talking with a bunch of guy friends it feels like that so I've a learned skill that I think every guy here should should have which the same mm-hmm mm-hmm that's the listening skill right it's

00:30:54 > also selective attention like you guys know you look in your light for example but what's it what's up what's a like a limiting belief someone has about themselves so I'm just shattered out where it we're all friends here not going you're not good enough great and what's the last time you felt not good enough right now in Philly three K in front of a 500 people okay when was the last time okay McGregor when was the last time you felt not good enough this morning huh okay so so a bit example is let's say you I have to believe I'm not good enough and I think how do people like share that belief at times come on right so we're all not good enough guys all right and that's not good enough is just good enough so so so we believe we're not good enough and then what happens in a day maybe we wake up next to our we wake up alarm goes off we like look we have our home we have our pets who love us maybe we

00:31:56 > have a partner who loves us and we had this awesome day and then one thing happens where somebody ignores you or they take too long to return your texts or you get a piece of criticism which is probably totally valid right from someone you're working for and obviously like see I'm not going to now fuck them fuck everything and we ignore the thousand things that happen if they attention that one thing that proves your point about yourself and that's sometimes what we do is when we have an idea about what feminism Aston is or who I am we really selectively filter evidence and just look for stuff that shows us to be right even when us being right hurts ourselves that is that is very true I'd like to talk with you about my problem okay break it out and it's it's interesting too though a lot of us aren't aware of which of those four things is natural and you said it wasn't like 500 of languages but what do you think of the five love languages isn't here's every self-help book in the

00:32:57 > world which is also how books about the same thing and people just name them different you have different terminology for them right so it's a great way to break it's a great way to break things down if we look at the myriad existence where there really is no separation and we create these arbitrary categories that are useful it's great and those are some arbitrary useful categories it's whether you're looking at the four things you talked about the five love languages that was a book that actually I found enlightening maybe because I have a history of having Asperger's syndrome or something and how many of you have read the five love languages and just knowing what your partner's love languages is is really legitimate and I went so far as I had all of the bulletproof employees take the test and we have this little HR web application thing and we know your Kolbe score which tells us that basic things about what your natural instinct to do things are like how quickly like it started how much information you need to feel safe in making a decision whether you're good at building stuff or just thinking about

00:33:59 > stuff and things like that and then we put their love language in there so if you have an employee who really just wants a hug and you're like good job and they don't give a rat's ass about being told they're doing a good job well if you know that it's kind of useful to be supportive and friendly and in in a relationship that's particularly important ya know it's great to know that again I'm doing a project right now where we're it's kind of crazy but we're trying to solve a missing persons case if someone who disappeared like a month ago and we're and so as we're looking at people's behavior we're finding that you think well if that was me I would have done XY and Z and they didn't do that so that's they're suspicious for like there they're not you so we assume that oh I would have loved a gift or I would love quality time why and they're not accepting it for me what's wrong and we really make this horrible assumption of assume that everyone thinks like us and responds like us and they don't that was definitely a big learning for me yeah it seems like there's some

00:35:01 > generational changes here and we're about the same age I'm 44 and year yeah like ice born like 48 48 and you're born in 48 yes born in 48 different is or were similar and it seems like some of the stuff that you wrote about in the truth I mean their fundamental relationship sentence there but it seems like there are some some changes or people who are dating with with tender and able to basically do things that that would have been really hard when we were 20 because there wasn't any tech for that they said 900 numbers when they were 20 have no idea never used one I actually registered one nine hundred hot Dave no joke did you really yeah no way that's awesome how that with that was a long time ago but it was funny and I never used it but it was that's a layer and I own hobby I'll go call it now and see if there's a message of like a teenage days and if you go to hot Dave calm it's still reroutes to some of my domains it goes with the benefits of

00:36:03 > being early on the internet how did I get there I know we're talked about one of the things that I see come up over and over especially in people under 30 under 30 now is like monogamy is dead I want to have you know six girlfriends and two boyfriends all at the same time what's your take on that so yeah to two things one is that's another monogamy non-monogamy false duality there's no such thing I mean there's no there's no such things the nightmare non-monogamy like you just get to be in your Minar of the idea bonaga me is something the Catholic Church made up in the ninth century and this kind of been enforced but the truth is this is my belief is you get into a relationship you decide with that person what kind of relationship is healthy is for both of you and the relationship and then you get in relationship and if it changes it changes like it's just crazy how we have this idea that we got to choose this or that and be that way for the rest of our life or identify ourselves is that way one person agrees thank you for that one of my heard uh so but but I did struggle

00:37:09 > I did struggle with it because because in the truth I really thought I was at science and evolution and we're not supposed to be anonymous and then I thought wait like can I just make my own choice I don't have to let like whatever evolutionary science says decide my behavior I'm just looking I'm most people looked at in the hope of not offending over here but look to evolutionary stuff to justify something they already believe anyway well there's sex ed Don Christian was on the show long time ago and in their sex at dusk which is looking the same data and saying the exact opposite like and then sex at dawn and Krista friends is an argument yeah it's an argument because he's tired of the other narrative he's like check out this other narratives and the truth is like when we're definitely in this like post fact era but we're starting to realize is that most thoughts and most facts are already there to justify people's pre-existing beliefs and emotions what I found is that people who explore non-monogamy generally have to face their relationship issues much earlier in their lives here it is a big growing like what it takes to have a polyamorous

00:38:12 > healthy polyamorous relationship and I've seen a lot of unhealthy ones as well but to have a health unhealthy one is where like one person is just entirely controlling everybody is some everyone else is submissive with mommy or daddy issues and they just live in their trauma bubble that's the unhealthy point but the healthy the healthy version is is people who are really communicating and articulate really stuff comes up there's something called the birding period which is if you want to open up your relationship because we're not trained to have an open relationship in our culture and because it's just a new change it takes like about a year a year to two years just to work through all the emotional stuff it really takes a lot of emotional maturity to do it I had a chance to to chat with Aubrey de Grey about this and you know ivory yeah so Aubrey is one of the leading bio gerontologists who is the shop age aging like it's a disease here is here it's a genious model and he's pretty hardcore is like oh yeah we'll find the bacteria they eat cadavers and

00:39:14 > we'll genetically engineer them so they'll eat only the bad parts and then we'll stick them in your blood like he's very into the Santa thing and he has the most were the rest of his life completely unhealthy because he thinks gonna fix aging so he can just eat off the junk food never exercise nobody was aging a lot of beard like there's a correlation and he has like the most psychedelic beard of anyone I've ever met and so I defend and he was quite polygamous for quite a while but he's he's lived long enough to just be down with it so I was driving him somewhere once I'm like like how do you do this like tell me about this and is he oh look I I just love everyone and it was okay you could tell there was no emotional stress about that and then I found out a few weeks ago that now he's been honest again so I have to ask him about that right yes like I tried I tried living with three girlfriends when I try enough to see what relationship styles right with me we spent the entire half a day processing all the shit that went on like literally this is why I do the books I do because you don't know

00:40:15 > what it's like till you experience it I never realized one of the biggest challenges of polyamory for was who gets the front seat of the car like so like we'd work it they don't line up up to the front of be like because it's like somebody well it's the quickest the crazy shit comes up that's why everything is parenting right yeah exactly exactly sometimes it's not like that but I also think you were saying about this generational thing I think that's another it seems to me that we just have this arbitrary cutoff and call someone Generation X or Y or Z or is there arbitrary but and but it really but if you look at it a lot of the attributes are the same the older generation always feels the younger generation is lazy not working having too much sex it's the same shit what it's a lost generation or the slackers or the you know what's a generation now Generation Z whatever it is that it and but the truth is Millennials are the ideas that won't believe them anyway the point is the tools might change but we have these ideas are just false like in fact because losing their virginity at later ages now so we had these crazy ideas just it's

00:41:16 > just people fucking getting old and forgetting what it's like to be young and being afraid of being replaced there we go fear again now I want to ask you the question in the context I've already asked her the question on the show the bulletproof radio ready three most important things people want to perform better so I'm going to tweak it a little bit here which means you won't be part of the statistical analysis that I'm actually doing for all these answers unglued on this answer but if someone wanted to love better every day for the rest of their life what are the three most important piece of advice you have for them I mean you all know what the number one in sting is right one just guess it out loud on three one two three oh come on oh my I'm so disappointed I got answers I thought this is a headstrong crowd no it's like you've got to love yourself you're are you but and it's not just a cliche your capacity to

00:42:17 > love is limited someone's walking out in that line all right I got a homework to do um your capacity to love someone else is limited by the degree to which you love yourself so number one number two is to accept that person as they are or accept whatever you want to love as it is because that is love and then number three of yourself accept them and communication is great what's that communication sex change you know what just to be present to be present with that person to be present but that's harder that is to be still and present with that person awesome well Neil Strauss it's been a pleasure having em over radio thank you oh by the way I want to point out something which is that when I was struggling to think of a thought and everyone who yelled out that idea to help me your issue is that you care take your issue is that you want to help others because it so badly that you

deprive them the ability to learn for them help themselves you can I got it thank you Thanks [Applause] [Music]