Tripp Lanier: The New Man –

VIDEO | Dave Asprey

2017-11-01 10:01:53.42 | null

00:00:00 > everyone its Dave Asprey with bulletproof radio I've got on the line today with me trip linear trips amends coach and host of the new man Podcast beyond the macho jerk in the new age wimp he coaches and teaches men around the world how to break out of mediocre lives and create careers and relationships they really want and he hangs out with some cool guys like Tim Ferriss and Laird Hamilton and ken wilber on his podcast so we're traveling in similar circles and if you're watching this on youtube you can already see he's wearing a t-shirt that says bacon in sort of cool like sons of anarchy letters and hats off for that shirt trip welcome to the show thanks man thanks Robbie now you've got like top 10 itunes self-help list as kind of where your podcast ends up and it's interesting that we end up both talking about your relationships and performance

00:01:02 > and things like that I'm over there we had number one on the health side your top town self-help how do you see kind of self-help coming together when on one side you've got you know eat more bacon on the other side you've got you know feel more love like we're do bacon and love come together dude that was a great question it's all love now when I think a bit I think I love is there anything else right exactly but like what is the crossover between you know self-help for for men which tends to be kind of a new agey kind of softer term and health and I don't think I'm either one of those categories I'm guessing you don't either but how did you end up as a self-help guy versus you know a food guy or something I don't well self-help vs food I mean self-help for me I remember going through a good and just being really curious about personal development and everything but realizing that most of the stuff was written when and it didn't jive with me at all you know and I you know if you walk through a the self-help section in a bookstore you're afraid your friends are going to see their something and all those also those women

00:02:03 > most of those books are written for women so the opportunity was to deliver personal development that's in a vibe in a language that guys can get you don't have to be some new age was to to appreciate this stuff in it you know and it's not for its forgot I don't want to go beyond being the the macho jerk or the New Age wimps so yeah I'd say that you know we trying to redefine what it means to be in personal development or self fell because the you know when I talked to guys and I coach you know high level high performing people they read these books that this stuff isn't on their shelves they are they are devouring this information but it's it a little bit like to keep it secret so but you know so so the new man is all about delivering this information and a succinct you know concise powerful web and opening that door for guys to start to have these conversations in their lives so I'm guessing you don't own any Lululemon pants maybe no no I die I will say that I wanted to steal when I was lululemon uh those those mannequins they

00:03:05 > have the greatest but those are fantastic but I wanted one for Christmas I I hear you though loud and clear a lot of the you know self-empowerment like you know go to a team in training meeting these are the groups of people who train to to promote awareness for different diseases and they all get together and do a lot of you know exercising to go do chronic cardio somehow connected to cancer I would say maybe causative but hey that's just me and but if you go to one of those it's like eighty percent women and twenty percent men who are smart enough to realize hanging out with eighty percent women might be good for their odds but it's funny how that that sort of whole vibe can just end up being way too female for the average guy aye sir yeah at the same time though you're finding there's a lot of people who listen to what you're doing who are your guys who are looking at you know how do i improve myself from just a different like a different gender perspective really what's the difference between the way a guy approaches self-improvement versus the way a woman would say the biggest

00:04:07 > Earl for most guys is getting over this self-worth piece or this fear of being found out or something that there's something wrong with me there's some kind of weakness that if I'm curious about how to better myself I'm curious about how to to be able to maneuver through my relationships better or to create something in my life that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me it just means that i want to make live better and I think that's the message is starting to come through the other part is that you know a lot of wishy-washy anyway just isn't gonna job guys want results and so I try to aim the shows more towards like how do you do the attack I do that happen at the gate this specific challenge and that's been very very successful helping guys clarify what they really want instead of this like let's just process some feelings kind of thing which you know since guys out into orbit yeah it's definitely not and I know it's that's not a bad thing but that's not what's going to that's not what attracts men to this conversation no it's not it certainly hasn't attracted me I'm a fan of personal development as much as anyone and it's something I spend a lot

00:05:09 > of my own energy on because if you care about your performance you might want to care about you know what's limiting your performance all right we at a Navy SEAL a former Navy SEAL mark divine on the show and I think he gave one of the most in-depth emotional conversation about shadow and his experiences with therapy and all this kind of stuff and I wasn't expecting the conversation to go there but I was so grateful a guy like him would be willing to demonstrate real strength and say like look this has been in my life this is what helped me um because guys with him is just 10 feet tall and bulletproof so you know if you look at a guy like him and see how he's impacting the world seeing what he's done to make himself stronger you know he's been he's been willing to go to these places that most guys you know avoid yeah the thing about mark he was on my show as well he was one my favorite guest just a total badass but the guy has a pornstar name like that's a you say that like it's bad right no but I just imagine I was Mark is like like look I'm a Navy SEAL commander I could kick everyone's ass and you walk to Navarro sigh and mark mark divine and

00:06:11 > the way I'm just swooned like like you know he was he really impressed me it was just such a gentleman and so authentic exactly great god I'm vibe you're getting and like wait this guy's like a serious ass kicker yet he's done more personal development than the average guy out there by orders of magnitude right and I think that so it makes him cool as he's got that curiosity what's going to help me instead of playing defense a lot of guys are playing defense how do I avoid looking like a jerk how do I avoid looking like Oh Sarah et cetera uh you know II models that curiosity yeah well speak in a curiosity you've studied with some kind of crazy people yourself ken wilber we mentioned earlier the hollow bones order big mind if it poss onna Taoism or Taoism depending on how you like to pronounce it and you spent a lot of time in these things what do you get out of going east let's say uh I think we're most of the kind of Western personal development stuff is about helping us navigate the stuff

00:07:12 > that's in our lives day to day from the time we wake up in the morning to the time you know we go to bed at night you know relationships and money and all of these things are very important but having those types of those trainings especially meditation is about just starting to see what's beyond that but there's more to this life than the stuff we fill our days with and I think that it's helped me immensely to have that understanding that this isn't and all there is my money my sex life my relationship some da da da da stuff but i think is really important is just a speck on the map of all the other possibilities and so those those types of ways of thinking being in philosophies have opened me up to just see you know it's part of that curiosity what else what's beyond all this other crap and I you know I highly recommend it if your curiosity takes you there you'll be willing to to go do a 10-day of a pasta retreat where you don't talk to anybody and you just sit there and sit there with your BOTS it's powerful

00:08:13 > it is it's big stuff I actually haven't done of a pasta retreat it's been on my list for a long time the problem for me has always been that that finding 10 uninterruptedly on kids is is a big ask from a four-year-old and I in seven days I do the 40 years of Zen program which is very intense but you've got a computer leading you and what your brain does during those seven days of growth work so I tend to focus there but I've also done you know the four days fasting in a cave kind of thing how many of a possum retreats have you done personally I've only done the one of a posture you know done set all of those is it retreats whether it was with you know gimpo rosier June oh ok so you've done some zen retreats with with some very acknowledged masters right when you did vipassana which is 10 days in utter silence in your case you're not doing it in darkness right it was just right ok and what do you now is through the goenka cool for people that are looking it up there's lots of a bus and stuff ok we'll put links in the show

00:09:14 > notes too now i'm just wondering what you get out of 10 days of silence so what happens inside your head it slows down tremendously um the the sensitivity to all the information that is always there is just heightened I remember leaving the retreat and the world just see tickets go on 400 miles an hour it's like oh my gosh I think that one of the big things that that I took away from it is that don't need if i'm looking to there's that there's a place that's within me that is very peaceful and very calm and most of the time the efforts are spent looking for something outside of myself that are going to bring the easter that calm or that stillness and so that's a that's a big deal for me it was just that was dumb as the big turn

00:10:16 > for me was realizing that I could I could find that stillness and it was it wasn't out there more money more sex more fame or this or that that wasn't going to be be the real piece that piece was already within myself that's pretty big in 10 days that's pretty big and it's a glimp that's it's not a an achievement like okay boo no I'm there I'm neo and I don't have to you know I don't have to go back to this living in the matrix but it is possible to have these glimpses and it's like okay I know that there that's their life that life is different from that point just because I know that that possibility is there yeah understanding that there's more than more than your meat is pretty important you know what there's more than my meat yes although most of the time I don't believe that so you were just sort of saying in 10 days you get this sensitivity I did something like vipassana in in Nepal I went to cope on monastery and I did a 10 day like kind of Buddhism 101 where we were

00:11:18 > in silence I think for about 22 hours a day but for a couple hours a day just because we were getting lectures on kind of how Buddhism works and all then we would ask questions and things like that but it was very meditative thing and I spent another couple months in remote kind of spiritual parts of Tibet and Nepal Wow Wes cool went to Mount Kailash it was really cool but just the same experience you described where things things slow down and you just become used to a different pace and when that happens your sensitivity to like what's going on in your heart and your gut or just in your body or in the world around you gets turned way up and like it's kind of it's kind of like if you look at the sensitivity of a microphone or something if you turn the gain all the way up on the microphone in a noisy environment all you hear is static but when you take the noise of the environment you can turn the gain up all the way and all the sudden you find out there's all these sounds going on around you that you didn't really know where happening right all right no now that we

00:12:19 > went from there that's a just want to make it I mean it's a it's a huge distinction because for a lot of the guys that I work with they're saying things like oh I want to find my passion i want to have more eating in my life i want this so with that and you know how to run in the rat race and tired of just achieving achieving and running up gladder and when I ask them you know what has you feel more expensive as you feel stronger but as you feel more lit up but as you feel more peace but as you feel more love whatever you feel more free they kind of look at me like what do you mean because they foremost you guys they just been directing their attention outward and they've not been listening to this stuff and I think that's the real gift of a meditation or something I practice in that vein is that it challenges you just listen but in and all this information is there all the things you're looking for and you're trying to get from the outside world or if you just shut up and pay attention you're getting information all the time from within from your body and now you receive things and you know that's the first critical step if you want to

00:13:20 > change the path of your life you don't like how they're going is to ship that awareness from the outside more to the inside and as you navigate into the world what's bringing you what's weakening you what's lighting you up what's firing you up because a very simple process of just saying no to the stuff that drains you and yes to this that's it that's empowering you it it's really funny i'm doing my my fifth 40 years of zen training in another couple weeks here and what you've got it basically is a lie detector stuck to your head and one of the things that i do it in an advanced love like this as i'll sit there in in a dark neurofeedback chamber and it's it's as spiritual as it is quantitative and and whatnot but all visualize like one thing i'm going to do with bulletproof and all kind of forward the scenario through in my mind and i'll look at what my brain waves do and you want to get really high levels of alpha i'm like that might be a good path to follow and then i take another scenario i'm considering what I'm thinking about instead of feeling about and I pursue that one in my alpha waves are much lower and it's like okay i just used technology to check in like with my heart basically to figure out where is

00:14:22 > the most passion like where am i going to get the most back not the most financially but just the most from like a passion in a spirit and i want to do this perspective and by staying true to what i want to do or what called my nervous system wants to do and honoring that i'm able to make better business decisions as well as maybe have a bigger social impact which is my goal at the end of the day anyway but so cool I you know if you think about you ask 90 guys out of 100 they're all doing what they should be doing what that what the ultra thinks they should be doing what their parents should be doing you know like it's all should it's that you know I think them are actually good what they want or like you're talking about the chaps and the thing that they want to create out in the world guys I work with her wanting to do what they love and also make an impact in the world do something that helps others a long ways so it's pretty hard to do that if you're operating from some mindset of like okay what should I do tell me somebody help me why should do they're putting their 40 they're getting up there their power it's all outside of themselves so I look I love what you're talking about is it stalking you know really bring it at

00:15:23 > home starting have that have the balls 32 your own gut let's do many many body parts we can get in there oh that's right balls guts it heart rains it's kind of funny the way use language like that but it absolutely works in the model that I use with my clients you know there's a gut brain there's a heart brain and there's a brain brain and honestly there's even other peripheral parts of your nervous system and the idea that i'm going to put my brain in in a box like you would on Doctor Who or something a little glass bubble with your brain and it's still going to be you that's not how the body works like every part of your body is part of your consciousness and it's a distributed organism inside of you and if you focus too much on one part of it and ignore the others you're not going to end up having the optimal amount of brains or hearts or balls or guts or whatever else it is that that we're trying to target there yeah and if you're doing you know you put now let's your your disintegrating yourself that's where these guys feel so drained that you know they're waking up morning and

00:16:24 > they're just dragging ass and having to pollute themselves with think the gig bone you find alignment finally find that alignment where you're a yes you're saying yes to yourself or throughout the day to know yeah so instead of doing we were supposed to do and I just bent a lot of time full of passion in the early days of cloud computing in Silicon Valley I'd I mean my I grew my career there i was i was there when we came up with the ideas that created cloud computing and even early e-commerce but i don't know I feel like it's just become IT and and in the last you know five or six years I was kind of doing what I should do and those are one of the things that drove me to start bulletproof like I want to start helping people and honestly I could care less about one of a gazillion people doing yet another cloud computing thing so i just found I had less passion for that even though I was still turning the crank it wasn't providing the most good that I could provide either for myself or for others and so I I moved over to doing the bullet roof executive thing full-time pretty recently and I'm pretty stay on that good for you man you know that's that's a that's a loot deep I so

00:17:26 > many guys it that want to do that be able to step from that thing over here and there waiting for all the green lights and everything a line up before they jump you know I'm imagine you have a great powerful story about making that transition for yourself yeah it's it's definitely an ongoing process right and it's it's definitely a scary thing to say I have a stellar career after 20 years look look what I doing this is some kind of new coffee no one's ever heard of but it does magic things right it's it's not it's a nonlinear jump but one thing fact one of the reasons I wanted to have you on the bulletproof podcast today was that you work with your wife and you have a daughter so a lot of people i work with like i have a family I have to provide I can't I can't take care of myself I'm taking care of these other people so you work with your wife and how old your daughter like talk a little bit about how you incorporate family with what you do and what happens with the guys you coach yeah well I've got a three-year-old daughter and my wife comes she's it there so she comes from a therapy background I'm a coach and so

00:18:28 > but there's a there's a lot of overlap and the stuff that we do which is just basically helping people cut the bullshit in their lives and go for what they want so um you know we've taught stuff together and I i refer guys to her someone like Lance to her regularly you know they say they want a coach but we get in there it's like I actually need to do some healing you need to you know this thing you just think from your back from your past is is you know very much the president it's and it's keeping you from focusing on your future and and so that's a that's a great context to have half of coming in not a guy out but as far as family they can start you know I think that you know from my wife and I were very conscious about what's this all for like what do we are we working like what's why don't we bother working is it just to pay the bills or is it it's really always been true what's the lifestyle that we want we have these conversations about how we want to raise our daughter where we want it or like what we want for ourselves where do we feel most lit up where do we feel most

00:19:29 > alive and what we're doing is so once that stuffs out on the table then we can work as a team okay how can we help co-create this together and it keeps us out of a out of a power you know either her or me or any of that kind of stuff we're very much in a co-creative place like okay cool let's see how we can create this together um and I experienced that too much in other peoples are questions they're just kind of trying to get by and they get into a lot of she's right i'm wrong or I'm right she's wrong if she'd only think this then that that it there's not very very cool creative mindset that I see taking place in a lot of relationships with the clients you work with how many of them do you think are just in the wrong relationship for them to achieve what they want to do a lot a lot you know I don't I think that I think that if we look at everything in life there's a natural cycle two things we expect them to change we expect the tides exchange we expect the seasons to change we

00:20:31 > expect the days to change like we expect things to have an arc in the end for some reason that we're supposed to our relationships or go it's supposed to be static and I think that that's a you know there's a lot of people treat their that wedding day as a finish line and i think it's it's deadly to do that that uh that but if we understood their cycles and it will be cycles within our relationship and that may mean it's time to leave the relationship or maybe time to redefine our relationship but I when I see a lot of people just holding on to some static place that was good but it's not meeting up with reality now and in other words it's not lying up with what does she want with her look now oh I'm with my life now and how can we be in service of one another in that place instead of well a lot of guys what how many how many times you hear a guy say when my wife would never never let me do that like now he's turned her into his mom of course is sex situation is gonna go downhill if he's treating her like his mother so you know I want to help those guys to see that the relationship

00:21:33 > is constantly being defined and redefined and went from when we're in that place we start to recognize maybe this is the end of the this fate of our relationship and now we can start to address what we want now and how we can move forward together so they may be in the wrong relationship because they're stuck in the past about how things should be or were then but they're not actually in reality now about where they are and how they can move forward that's a tough coaching call a one to have and I've been in the situation where you know you need to look them in the eye and say you're repeating the same behavior in this relationship you have and many others and you're echoing it in your business relationships and what you're doing at home like you need a therapist and like you're your parents are mean to you you've clearly had some bad shit happened to you and you haven't let go of that yet like you need to practice forgiveness and you have to get somewhere most people especially men when you hear practice forgiveness or whatever like it doesn't even mean anything in the West like those words at least for me what do

00:22:35 > you mean I said I was sorry how do you how do you have a conversation with someone like that when you believe as their coach that they need therapy do you just throw it down in front of them like a gauntlet look how do you how do you express this to someone because where I come from New Mexico by the way you know you tell someone what you need a therapist it means you're weak probably crazy and certainly not worthy right and like that's the programming that most men got if they grew up in the West sure how do you overcome that without helping having a client just tell you to go screw yourself hang up the phone and you're done uh two parts I'm willing to be fire didn't you want meeting a coaching session a min and I think you have to be otherwise you're not serving them so if I yes I got to lose then I'm not serving anybody but the other the other point is that you know the least way that I coaches is really about helping them and got themselves to that the solution i need that they arrive at that place wow I do need some help i'm seeing that i'm doing this you know what i think i need some help so it you know a lot of at least my

00:23:38 > approach about the curiosity you know in helping them into this place for themselves I wasn't that's the ideal you know any time to you know the best ideas are the ones we come up with our own you could have told them something six months ago or six years ago but until they land on it like you know what I think I needed to see a therapist great first time we've heard about it but you know it's their idea and that's when they're willing to go for it so I I got to be careful of my own agenda um and not let that get in the way a with with a clamp it but um but I also be willing to give it to him straight that's that's awesome and anyone out there who's looking for a coach or working with a coach it's the most valuable thing you want to get it's going to tell you the unvarnished truth even though you might not hear it the first ten times you hear it at least they're willing to give it to you and I walked you know therapy was a part of my life free for a while I've gone through it so it you know I I have a coach no I don't I don't ask clients to do things i'm not going to do yeah i have a coach to and it's funny my

00:24:40 > wife's a physician but also a licensed therapist because of our work with drug and alcohol addiction so it's kind of funny we're both in a relationship where you can use therapy style words and just a level of thinking about what you're saying and doing that might not be achievable for some couples do you get people we're like the guy gets on a spiritual path but his significant other isn't or vice versa I've seen a lot of conflict in people I work with where one of the two is ready to step up and the other one is kind of stuck yeah I've been that guy yeah how did you get out of it what did you do uh you know the I think it's again it's about coming back to the reality where are we what do I want you know one thing I would I would want to just lay out there for the listeners is the void the drama Brian what I mean by that is that a lot of guys will start to make a change or make a shit in their life and then their partner becomes the bad guy she needs to do this she needs to be different I'm here to do it at it and what's happening

00:25:41 > is that the guy is he's putting his well-being on his partners actions he needs that person to change in order for him to be okay so the first thing I would do is help him get out of that onset of like it's about you this is nothing to do with her yes you may have a desire for her to be different you may have a desire for her to be someone she's not right now totally fine but if you were going to anchor your well-being to that outcome then you get up your own power and you've given up responsibility for your own well-being so i think it's it's what i've learned through experience it's really about creating an invitation and I think if the message comes from your you're not I don't like you the way you are and you need to be different you're going to get it's not going to work out for you okay and Allah I got during a relationship because of who they think the girl could be there in love with the idea of who she could be instead of who she is so like well I me just going to turn okay and i think is like get out of that relationship if you're only going on for who you think

00:26:42 > she could be in who she is and that's a terrible dynamic to be creating from you could always send a message of you're not really good enough you're not good enough yet oh I I just helped him come from this place of creating an invitation be there gotta walk walk if you're happier and things are going better in your life um you're going to you know people are going to notice that and they're going to to won't join that and if she's threatened by it so be it but i would say instead of being the authority about how she should be creating invitation hey I'm gonna go do this would you like to join me yeah I'd love to have you be a part of this and if not okay cool but watch out for it anything we're I guess or you get the invitation instead great advice is that the number one issue that the men ask you for help with or like what is the number one thing people come to you saying hey I want some help I'd say a lot you know it was down to navigating relationships there's things that got one in their life but they're afraid they're gonna be the jerk they're gonna if they if they own but they want to do XP they're going to lose their

00:27:44 > relationship or they're gonna lose their career or whatever so they're they're they're playing small with what they really because they're afraid of losing with they've got and then I'd say that there's a lot of a lot of guy I just want more meaning they want what you've done what I've done which is translate out of this place of just playing a role and actually into something that they're more intrinsically related to do that actually makes an impact so I and I think there's you know underneath all of that is just the desire like I tired of waiting to look my best life I'm tired of waiting for that one magical day when I'll have permission to be the guy I really want to be and I never happened you know there's there's no magical they were gonna have permission to do whatever it is that you really want to do in your life so a lot of coaching is how can we start to do those things now and build from there also then for your own internal use how do you know when you're doing your best when you're living your oath like what's your what's your internal metric or how do you track to know that you're actually doing what for your own uses what you say you're

00:28:45 > doing what you want your clients to do it's uh it's the experience how am I feeling how is it working am I willing to be surprised there's been things that I've said oh this is what I should like this is this is where I think things should be and then when I've had that you know got into that place you have the experience so I've learned that it's great to have kind of objective numbers or things to go for but if you're not if you're not using that as a pathway to create the internal experience you want then it's off it's just stuff it's just number but it's just metrics it's not rooted in anything but guys that I work with I'm helping them kind of realize they've got deja's gauges on the dashboard they want to feel more free they want to feel more lit up about life they want better relationships they want like real love in their life and they want a sense of peace when they go to bed at night so my questions are like what are you doing now and helping you with those big for what are you doing now that we can gross you feel more fulfilled and if you're

00:29:46 > not asking those questions then you then you are only just kind of driving around and okay I guess this is what I should do so so you mentioned something really important there you said how do I feel right now in that that metric if you just write that down every day like once a day how was my day how did I feel today on a scale of one to ten you can get an amazing signal under that but most guys in particular in the West you know we've been raised more like like how am I supposed to feel like how really it ends up being how do I think or what do I think about feeling versus how do I actually feel how should guys in your experience actually know that they're feeling this versus thinking they should feel this ah that's the question what am I feeling so the first one was just the sensation I'm hungry a lot of guys can I can just stay nice are you hungry you a key you're hired right right and then so there's like this institutions in our body just tapping into that and you really start to tap

00:30:47 > into wow I'm just tired a drink or wow if you really sharp clear Oh interesting and then the other side of it is is without a motor to lintel appliances just you know okay so happy or sad mad at ease you know just starting work real generalities and then probably like a sommelier or some kind of a ship you start to really get in there and start you know be able to get into more or the discernment of what am I in my feeling at this time cuz it's always changing the question how am i doing right now if you ask yourself that about a hundred thousand times a day Wow blood yeah you have this little process running in the back of your mind and just like you would on the server that's the self monitoring process and then you start wondering oh wait there was a big change in how I feel why was there a change in how I feel right when I started out on you know my path of like realizing I needed to upgrade myself I had I'd say just about zero self-monitoring going on where I I spent

00:31:49 > three days at this one personal growth retreat it was like a 10 day thing and the people I was working with like well you must be feeling something right now I'm like no all I feels angry because this stuff is stupid right like I don't even understand i don't feel angry but I'm angry write it like I'm like yeah there's angers nothing else and and finally someone said this little word dude Oh thing and she said well is it is there a feeling in your stomach and like yeah there's a feeling in my stomach like are you hungry snow and it's great that feeling that's called fear and I'm like that's stupid but they hit it right on the head like I honestly had forgotten what it felt like to be afraid because there was no reason to be afraid that whole thinking feeling thing and so my own path of working on being more bulletproof was like gee if I don't have the ability to detect all those little things going out of my body then I won't be able to upgrade them so what you just described there about how am I feeling how am I feeling at this time exactly matches the experience that that I've gone through in terms of realizing how the environment around us affects my

00:32:50 > performance up here and why you know this cup of coffee is is fundamentally different than this cup of coffee etc etc right how many times a day would you say you're asking yourself how am i doing I don't know there's a car thing no no i don't i would like to think i'm that present but I what I will know there's things where I can I have I could detect peaks or valleys and that's where i was like huh interesting it's in the afternoon while I wonder what's got me in this place and I think that's where we start to link it back to our behavior what choices that I've been eating that got me into this predicament right and and oh I hate this I drank that or I cleared my schedule for the day or I'm you know something that's opened up its demystifying the process so if you're willing to check in with your emotional experience and then start to look at the environmental factors that that have helped you you can start to replicate

00:33:53 > that okay you can select it like create the environment where you feel more this and more that and I the danger here is that guys want to do the they want to find the finish line they want to find that place where there Jean rated and okay now I figure out and not always feel free and it's not it's it's this constant like kind of balancing the the basketball on your finger you're always moving or always having to pay attention and it's because it's always changing and I think that's a drag for a lot of guys because they want to on the one thing and be done they want to find the trick the hack yeah and have it be done but it's it's really about what is it today well I know from experience when I have a lighter schedule and I'm done by four and I go for a run and I do this that's a great day that's been a good day for me let me I'm right again and then oh wait a second what's the same today what could be different and debt about of that but a lot of guys don't want to make that effort they just want to go to sleep yeah heck I just want to wake up I keep working out let's shift gears a bit let's talk about

00:34:54 > testosterone how important is a man's testosterone level in your experience in how he performs in satisfaction with life and everything else I think I think it's usually important I definitely am NOT an authority in this I've had several guys on my on the on the show to come talk about like I didn't realize how much testosterone governed other parts of our lives that that that helped us you know well where's my being and so I when I when I saw the testosterone was closely related to those feelings of well-being than it was like okay now we're talking about this conversation freedom peace passion and love you know so if testosterone underneath got and something's wet you know not working it's going to impact our ability to to make those better decisions about what has this feel those those those things so I and that was big for me when I when I didn't you know when I finally got those dots connected and I saw how big it was do you tease because I think a lot of guys look estas terminus is simply kind of more of a body thing yeah

00:35:56 > but they didn't rig I didn't get I don't think that a lot of them get that it's directly impact on our ability to feel fulfillment and out all the experiences we want to have it a lot yeah if you don't have the right amounts of testosterone or it's not working for a variety of reasons I don't think you're going to perform the way you should I don't mean physically perform I mean mentally I mean stand up and be there and do the right thing right my own experience I had very low testosterone figured out when I was 30 because I was obese I weigh 300 pounds so I've been taking testosterone for just about 11 years now and some people you know give me crap about it like well that's not natural like you know what's even less natural not having enough testosterone because you just wake up in the morning and your desire to to change things or to make things better or to make yourself better it's just not there like your flat and dull it and it's like the world's in black and white and when I see guys especially anyone over 40 who

00:36:57 > come to me for ongoing performance coaching kinds of things it's like you got to get your numbers like we need to know your testosterone in your estrogen and your SHBG sex hormone-binding globulin to see if something's sticking to your testosterone before you can use it and I tell you there isn't a guy over 40 who lives in the modern world who isn't a little lacking in it and if I want to you want to kick ass when you're 70 and running an anti-aging group I come across this all the time in older populations man you better be on testosterone and you know if you're a woman you may even need a little bit of testosterone it depends on who you are as you age usually you don't but if so it's just fractional tiny amounts but you probably have an imbalance of your progesterone and so I believe we owe it to ourselves as we age to keep our hormone levels where they were when we're about 30 and my goal is that when I'm I'll have exactly the hormone levels I did that I did after I corrected them when I was 30 because I had Jeff hormones in my 20s and early 30s guy

00:38:00 > well that's fascinating it'll it just makes such a difference and when I'm working with people who who get stuck and just don't have the energy and there they've got you know the big gut and it won't go away with the normal techniques that work pretty well and you can tell that they just don't they're not bringing it it's like you look at thigh roid you look at testosterone and all of a sudden your meditation practice improves because you put testosterone cream on your armpit like really but I see it enough that I totally think in my own case I wouldn't do the things i do if i didn't use technology to raise my hormone levels up to normal I'm not you know jacking myself and getting above baseline for a guy my age but man if you ignore that stuff you're totally missing out yeah I don't think that you know one of the things that that one of the traits that I see and people that I really admire are they're doing really great things in the world is they've all dialed in they're eating and exercise stuff which impacts testosterone obviously but there's I don't see anybody you know eating Twinkies all day

00:39:02 > and you know you know you sugar mixing that kind of stuff that can have the energy that they wanted and so but i'll talk to guys in this like wow so you want to feel what up and you want to feel energized about life I can't see how you would be on this little bit of sleep and the diet that you have and the stress you're putting yourself under like I'm trying to figure out you can even expect to feel a certain way so you know give yourself at least a chance and dial in those practices and those ways of treating your body so that the it can can get up to snuff so that you can have those experiences but many people are just they want to ignore the body thing they think it's you know just about how you look good in front of a mirror but it's it's really bad you feel I me but people just have a hard time drilling that in man so what do you do what do you eat what do i do i'm i just i eat real food so i got my Vitamix in the morning i scale some protein powder some

00:40:03 > fruits basically whatever we it's fresh I eat a big thing of that a big salad for lunch maybe some clean me to go in there and then some kind of a version of that for dinner I don't have a very extravagant eating thing but I just try to eat real food so basically lots of meat and vegetables not a lot of chemicals right right not a lot of practiced stuff um and I just found them about you you know energetically just off the charts I probably eat more veggies than then meet but I just that or it's you know my just being willing to be surprised and try thing I've been at it for really paying attention to this part of my life for the last three years and just noticing where I feel more we're just more strong and and just notice little things about my body that go away like I removed dairy for the last month cuz uh notice that like little stuff that I just figured I'm in the Sun all the time so of course my

00:41:04 > skin's gonna be a rack have gone away cuz you're moving from dairy so it you know it's not the same for everybody but just that willingness hear you how interesting i didn't even anticipate that so it's a skill to be able to correlate changes in nutrition and changes in like skin composition or those little white pumps i had on the back of my arms just went away and I you know just even know they were there and then noticed that they went away for me that's been an ongoing path realizing all these different correlations and just I find it fascinating and kind of confusing sometimes but the dairy yeah foreskin is pretty pretty tightly established amongst the people i work with as well yeah so what are some of the other lifestyle habits that you come across that keep min from being their best outside of food and things like that um just in terms of lifestyle habits I meditate every day it's not I've just found that having that agreement with myself to sit down and shut up and listen and just ground

00:42:06 > myself in that place uh it may not be afterwards that I have this big ah wow I can really see like after a workout I can feel the immediate thing about it but with meditation in my life I just noticed that I guess myself feeling something happen like shouldn't I be a little more reactive than that like I kind of thought I'd kind of fly off the handle i noticed that something will happen and i can even have a have an emotional like but then I I come right back so much quicker and so it's not that my emotional experience is impressed but it's just that I turned back to that baseline much East dear and I so if I get spun out I don't say spun out for very long so i'm a big proponent of AG back to our lives and i just think it's a great discipline to have to just have our own time to ourselves so i recommend my coaching clients do that and then i'd say a gratitude practice just something they're coming back to

00:43:09 > the very sense of its so easy especially in the kind of work and personal development stuff our awareness is always on what could be improved but very rarely is it on what's already going well and I think that that mentality of not enough not enough feeds into what everybody's got is some there's some but goodness that feels like we're not enough and I and I see it a lot in the work that I do I've had it in my own life but there's a lot of that low self-esteem I got to prove myself and that's a terrible place to live from so the gratitude practice counters at you see what are you going well in our life and when I asked a guy that I just say what else well that's what else his well-being will shift in that moment he was like huh I've been focused on these winter are two things that aren't going well but I didn't see the 157 other things that are going great today and so I I think it's huge to be able to have that awareness yeah the desire to change things and make things better too but if we only live from that place of what could be improved I don't I don't see many happy people than that yeah my

00:44:13 > experience is the same you also write about something if one of the things that may be really want to chat with you on the show today something happened to you when you were 13 right and just because you write about on your blog i'm assuming you're cool chatting about it so your looks like your your mother committed suicide when you're 30 and that figured a huge a huge amount of like psychological changes in you once it maybe don't rationally make sense are you up for chatting with people who are listening a little bit so that they can understand what we'll just call the childhood trauma does to an adult's functioning later in life because I think most people don't understand the difference and you have lived that firsthand okay sure so what what happened I obviously your your mother killed herself but what changes happened in your head like how did it form your emotions like what happened he was a young man as a result of this thing that you would think happened ten years ago like how could it be impacting me now you know I i well first up its there was

00:45:16 > animal it wasn't like I could look around and be like how do you deal with this and and um I don't I think that it was such a deep hit for me that I couldn't even process it for years like it was I couldn't you know I remember people my family but how are you you're not just going it was like laughs I'm fine like I really couldn't try to actually feel the pain or stuff I felt a lot more shame than anything like I was i would i would go through discussions and conversations be like how do I steer the conversation so they don't ask me about this or we don't talk about that so that was the first big drain I was managing and controlling conversations to avoid that topic but emotionally it didn't really start the show up up for me that you know I used kind of metaphor like trying to outrun a train or outrun a tiger or something that that's what was going on and so you know I would

00:46:17 > never feel upset necessarily about my mother per se but if someone a friend of a print or something you know somebody I kind of knew died or whatever like I it that would just wreck me you know there would be you know this experience and then I could just feel that how deep it went and it was like oh my gosh so my life became smaller and smaller as I was trying to avoid things where I could be emotionally vulnerable and step off that edge you know conversate because we're smaller because I did I didn't I wasn't willing to go in certain places and so my life was just getting smaller and smaller I was playing I felt like playing defense a lot trying to control trying to manage I did a lot of curiosity not the world I just wanted to stay in my one little area where things were safe I think I I I didn't date I didn't pursue higher quality women because I didn't want to be vulnerable to them I dated women that really shouldn't any business being with but they were women that I felt like I could intellectually you know stayed two or

00:47:18 > three steps ahead and emotionally two or three steps ahead and I wouldn't be vulnerable so all of that had a great cost Joe his life wasn't very fulfilling life was just it was flat and fearful in a fearful state so what did you do then when you finally gained that awareness what did you do to change not just the behaviors but to change the wiring driving the behaviors I wish I can say it was that clean you know it I had my father had asked me to finally start to see a therapist and this was like 10 11 years after the fact after after my mom killed herself and I felt like I got an intellectual understanding of the event and why was the way that I was but emotionally I was not having the experience and I remember I remember asking the therapist you know what's the endgame here she said I ideally you'd forgive your mother and I just remember like it's completely new since but that will never happen so we can stop now I can you know we can save a lot of money

00:48:19 > and I can just go about my life I remember just feeling that was unimaginable almost everything else was it was kind of I could imagine but you know forgiving her or just it didn't seem mad oh I was I was I was really married to a grudge and it was not serving me obviously so um I was going to therapy but then I was in a relationship and that relationship a broccoli and it triggered off the emotional stuff and so I was gone like at that point you know I think I lost 30 pounds I wasn't eating benleah the house kind of thing I just I was work and this was going on for weeks Wow not months um yeah just got a taste of that emotional world I got I got a big taste of that at that world in confusion and and uh I can watch television I couldn't like I just all the media I just didn't want everything just hurt you know everything just oh it was awful and and

00:49:20 > also felt very private about this I was ashamed because I didn't know and I was like a week animal that wanted to just go hide I felt I didn't want anybody to see me this way so at some point things got so bleak that I was I was like what do I have to do to stop this experience what I have to do so that i can not feel this way anymore and one of the one of the one of the options was to take my own life now I didn't consider it but it was on a table and it was in that moment that I got I was like oh this is where mom was and everything switched in a moment when I got I could see her point of view and I can see why she did it and I can see everything else my life with eclipse I can see where I was like oh yeah I could get what I something to choose that right now it's stupid and you know Oh silly it might be I got it and something just shifted in that

00:50:21 > moment almost instantaneously it just shifted for me and it was still a lot more oh you know months but I remember that's when the healing start I remember feeling the shift from that and from that point on it was like but you know the sliver that pulled out the splinter or whatever and like things could start to heal from that point so after that I know this was months or whatever but I that's where my real curiosity and this whole thing came about like what the heck was that all about what did I just go through what did I just want burn I want to integrate that I want to you know I was bleeding that there was no help out there when obviously there are resources and tools and I that was the thing they really set me on the path to this was was realizing that was stuck my head in the sand all the resources and help was there for me but I had my head in the sand and and so I just I just see that you got enough people and want to help out in my own way you you also had all the shame those preventing you from seeking help right

00:51:23 > that's right that's right I think I'd opened up to it a bit but it what it was what was it it was more just my own shame you know was it was more just you know yeah yeah all of that it was let's just talk about something happy you know I don't want to go there so i give you feeling some of it now just as we're talking now but I i know that is I know that deep down this drives me even if people that I'm helping don't it's not a desire to rescue people or anything but that it's just my knowledge that there's a completely different way of living it's possible for us and I was living some all choosing the small and if you don't have that that's not the only choice that we've got not at all and so many people are living small when they don't they don't need to but they just don't see it and you had an event happen in your life that you know that contributed to you living small but also help to illuminate the amount of change that you could do and now you're sharing

00:52:25 > with other people so hats off to you man that's that's really cool thanks now we're nearing the end of the show and there's a question that I've asked every guest on the show and that is top three recommendations for people want to kick more ass doesn't have to be just your coaching practice just everything you've learned in your life the three pieces of advice that are most important for people what are they uh I would say pay more attention to your emotional experience throughout the day what am I feeling what am I and really starting to ask that would be number one just what am I feeling just get in your body and start to live there start to pick up those those signals because they're got signals they're saying I want more of this I want less of that so if you have that information and that's crucial poor too is that is to start asking the question what do I want many of us are focusing on our problems and why there's problems and all the reasons why there's problems but we're not actually looking for a solution we're not looking to create something on our own we're not saying not asking a big question what do we want we're leaving it up to somebody

00:53:26 > else or the world make us happy it's a huge mistake and then the third part I would say is stop waiting for some kind of magical day or magical time we make we make deals and bargains with ourselves that one day I'm going to have that in my life and that's crap too I challenge like how can you start to do more of that today so those those would be my recommendation beautiful trip thanks for sharing them thanks for coming on the show today totally appreciate your time would you please tell people where they can find out more about your coaching services and your podcast and your blog and things like that will include all these links in the show notes yeah yeah so you know go check out all the interviews that I've done at the new man obviously you guys are my tunes so you know you can search for the new man there is plenty of plenty of great stuff there and if you're interested in the coaching sources that I have you can go to trip linear calm TR PP LAN IE are calm and there's a free

ebook available about you know the best practices I pulled from being a host of the show but also of my years of being a coach it's a free of the new manual look you can find that at the new manual calm trip have an awesome day thanks man Thank You day okay so how do you pimp a salad like what are the recommendations you make to make a salad more paleo we just launched them how to pimp a salad to in a little a book as well over here only yeah that one's got everything on it so we've got like roasted vegetables bacon jalapenos baked walnuts remote roasted nuts are awesome in a salad we all recommend that but like harry said just then some nice crispy bacon goes down well doesn't it slow-cooked obviously yeah yeah no temperature for a long time yeah see ya three hours